Your Heart is F*cked Up

I mean, after a few months with no word, did you expect anything less?

Nah, didn’t think so.

So, here’s the thing; over the past few months of crazy change and growth and new things and updated routines and all that fun stuff I’ve realized one constant: My heart is a fucking asshole.

The one thing it’s not allowed to follow; the one it’s not allowed to pine for or go towards; the “wrong” one; the one that will hurt the most; the one that is the absolute worst: That is the one it pulls towards.

Fuck.

Growing up, I think my heat (and brain) went to the easy targets; the guaranteed dates and dance partners and lack-of-solitude partners. Both gravitated towards the logical answer, the one that made sense and worked and was the best-case-scenario.I mean, really, who wants to be alone in high school? For Valentine’s Day? For a dance? Sitting on the school bus? It’s not that I settled, just that I realized I may as well since I totally enjoyed the company, so why the hell not? Might not have been perfect, but it was something, right?!

I long for those simplistic high school days.

Every day I open my eyes, I wish to have more control of my heart. I’ve mastered my brain. I have that down pat. But my heart? Shit, that fucker is a whole other department. There are moments I actually physically stop and feel like my brain (and body) are actually questioning my heart asking it WTF is actually happening and going on?!

And yet it always wins.

But why?

My heart is wrong ALL THE TIME.

I’ve been hurt by my heart more times than I care to mention. My brain is usually screaming, fucking belting out STOP. WHY ARE WE DOING THIS. YOU KNOW BETTER. And yet my heart (and soul) keep on keepin’ on.

So why the fuck do I (do we, because I know for sure I am NOT the only one who does this) keep listening to it? Does the heart have merit? Does it count somewhere? I let it continue to lead me, hoping one day it will end in happiness not heartache, and yet so far the odds are stacked severely against me in favour of my two-timing, lying heart that promises me so many wonderful things.

I have a theory: The heart is acting on instinct. Pure physiological attraction. Nothing else matters to the heart save for pheromones, chemical connections and cerebral stimulation. Current life situations don’t matter.

When a true connection is made, it’s a natural thing. We are, after all, animals. We have basic instincts and connections we cannot control. When those base connections are made, nothing else matters. We can’t control them. And I admit, I’ve felt this such a limited number of times, I have trouble explaining it, but I’ll try.

Let’s start with the animalistic side, shall we? Sexual attraction is know to all. It’s the most basic of attractions. It happens. And usually it happens for one night. This is a scenario I know well. I don’t always like to admit it, but it’s an easy fix. And it is totally natural… there will be nothing between us the next morning. And I get that.

What happens when it stretches past that sexual encounter? That’s where the lines start to blur. And they do blur… my God do they blur.

It’s all consuming. It takes over your thoughts and your (what you thought were rational) emotions. You’ll do anything and everything to feel the way you do when you’re with that person, if only for a brief moment. Being with them makes you feel whole, allows you to be yourself — and they fully accept the real you, without judgement. In those moments happiness is achieved, real laughter emerges, your true self comes out, you can be you and you don’t think about anything else but the two of you. At least that’s what your heart and soul and fucking emotions (I hate them) tell you…

The problem is, we often find that soul connection, that heart-perfect person, at the wrong time.

Ahhh, yes. That’s the issue.

So, what if your heart … your soul … connects on some level, but the rest of your existence, your life, doesn’t line up? What then?

Having done the whole affair thing myself, I know all about this hazardous, less-than-ideal situation … and yet…

Torn between giving my soul and heart what it needs verses understanding life situations and how no matter how much either one might pine, it just isn’t going to happen. At a sort of crossroads between giving my inner self what it needs, while pushing my rational self into a garbage bin and telling her to shut the fuck up for a second … it’s a horrible and shitty situation to be in.

Like a middle finger to my emotions and soul.

My heart is fucked up. Like a modern-day reenactment of the Titanic on course for the biggest, most fucked up disaster ever — I’m still wrapping my brain around it all, and also not willing to put the cap on the vile of poison or steer the ship away from destruction.

I desperately want and need the connection my instinctual heart has made. Nature isn’t wrong…

I know the outcome: heartache and icebergs.

I just want the violins to play us out as long as they can, while the ship sinks further and further.

~ by drivingmsmiranda on March 21, 2018.