I hope you meet a nice guy…

Sometimes I wonder what’s “wrong” with me. And I write wrong in those bunny ears to make myself feel a little bit better and less harsh about saying that something might be fundamentally wrong with me on some level, just so we’re all clear here. But I do wonder…

Maybe wrong is a harsh word. What’s different? What’s broken? What’s difficult? What’s unusual? What’s a struggle? What’s a challenge? What’s unlike the others? What keeps me alone 95% of the time? What’s the problem here?

Am I supposed to have these answers? Is someone else supposed to have these answers?

But wait, why is being on my own really a problem? Let’s take a few steps back for a second. I’m content in my solitude. And before you scoff and don’t believe me, hear this: Being single is amazeballs. I do what I want, when I want (when my son’s not here for my week ruling my life and my heart, of course). I can go where I want without asking permission. I eat Triscuit and hummus for dinner more often than I should, and sometimes dinner is just a glass (or 2) of wine. I can move furniture around without asking anyone’s opinion. If I want to watch the same movie or TV show for the 26th time in a row, I can.

No one is going to judge me. No one is going to argue. No one is going to care or make a fuss or try and change my mind. Trust me, the cats rarely put up a fight unless comfy blankets and/or food are involved.

I think about the idea of living with someone again now, and it’s been so many years since I shared a residence with anyone (and my now 5 year old doesn’t count) that it kind of makes me panic to think about sharing a space with another adult again. I don’t know that I could. I have my routines, I have my quirks, I have my ways… would I be able to share that again?

Recently, someone told me that they hoped I’d meet a nice guy. And while I laughed and brushed it off, they weren’t the first to wish such a thing upon me.

A nice guy.

What constitutes a “nice guy”? Do the same rules apply to the nice guy as the broken girl (also something I’ve been referred to multiple times)? Do we have specific qualities that might bring us together (seems to be the case most of the time)? How will I know he’s nice? Will he wear a sign? Why has said “nice guy” not appeared yet, despite me interacting with men who managed not to murder or maim me up to this point?

I’ve been told I push people away. Nice people. OK, not people; men, nice men. I was also recently told that it seems I seek out situations that will never work, because it’s easier. How could a dysfunctional situation be easier? Well, it’s a way to get out of things without too much trouble, without investment and the possibility of being deeply hurt emotionally. Date the guy who’s going to move back to his own country away from you or the one with the complicated situation or the one who’s aloof and never talks about his life or past and never asks you any questions. But the guy who’s solid and grounded and oh-so caring and sweet, who asks lots of questions and wants to get to know the real you… push him away. You don’t want him.

And I do push away. I do all that. And I hate myself a little bit for it.

So, perhaps this is more of a PSA to stop wishing a nice guy finds me, because the nice guy is only going to get hurt in the end, and we all know the nice guy doesn’t deserve that. Let me suffer in all this on my own. Let me push away the bad ones because they’re no good for me anyways.

Right?

That makes me feel like I’ve found the “wrong” in me. Seeking out the impossible. Not even what I think I can fix and make better, just what I know is outright impossible and wrong and going with that.

Like, how can I make my life super complicated and difficult? Fuck, yes, let’s do THAT.

But isn’t difficult slightly more enticing and interesting? Forget the whole bad boy thing; I don’t want someone who’s an asshole to women and a dick to his friends, who doesn’t respect his mother or hates animals and robs banks on the weekend. No, I’m not talking about that. I just mean that nice can equal boring.

Fuck, no. I don’t want boring. Please dear God, anything but boring at this stage.

I’ve experienced boring. First dates (even 4th or 5th coffee or lunch or dinner meetings) of useless conversation that had me thinking about work to-do lists and laundry I had to finish or really anything besides what he was droning on about instead of focusing on the words coming out of his sweet, nice mouth.

How can I be so harsh and dismissive? Why am I rejecting someone “nice”? Is that what’s wrong with me?

And then I’ve had conversations with “not nice” guys who are self-deprecating, confident in their insecurities and shortcomings, who include profanity and openness and bring out real, deep belly laughs that I’ve not experienced in ages, where topics range from parenthood to cooking techniques to politics to books recently read or goddamn crossword puzzles, really anything goes… but he’s not a nice guy.

So, what’s really the hope here? I see the slight pity in peoples eyes when they ask me how things are and if I’m seeing anyone and I say things are good but, no, I’m not. And there’s a moment of sadness that flickers across their faces. In those brief moments I kind of want to throat punch whoever it is that’s asked me. Why does my partnering with anyone have to hold so much weight on my happiness, first of all? And second of all, why does everyone so desperately want to push a boring “nice guy” on me?

The irony of the last time the “nice guy” statement was uttered to me was not lost on me. Not a bit.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I realize I have no answers, none at all. I’m fumbling around trying to figure out what keeps me sane, what keeps me smiling, what keeps me feeling whole, and what keeps me going. I focus on those things, even if they don’t seem to be the smartest, best decisions in the long-term. In the moment, they are what matters and I go with it.

I’m also aware of what I don’t want or need or desire. I’m OK with saying no and walking away from things that aren’t good for me.

Or am I?

Apparently, I should be walking towards the “nice guy” and making a happy, calculated, nice future, but instead I can’t stop walking in the opposite direction towards …

~ by drivingmsmiranda on August 17, 2017.