When does it stop… ?

emotions

I’m so done with feeling. So completely over emotions. So finished with crying and sobbing and experiencing sorrow and discomfort and loneliness.

When does it stop?

Please, tell me it stops. Tell me it fucking ends soon. I can’t function much longer in this state of OKness that suddenly and sporadically morphs into complete and utter ruin for moments, sometimes hours. It’s not healthy. It’s not productive. It’s not sustainable. At all.

If I’m honest, I think I’d be OK if just the crying fucked off.

My parents will be the first to offer up the tidbit of information that I cry; easily and a lot. Well, I used to. When I was young. Make me angry? Cry. Excite me? Cry. Surprise me? Cry. Make me ridiculously happy? You guessed it: Cry.

I was a tear machine, and it happened at the drop of a hat or compliment. And truthfully, I kind of liked it. I got my point across. It made people listen, instead of scaring them away. It opened lines of communication (with the right people) and helped me get through some pretty difficult times as a child and teen.

Yet, for a huge part of my adolescence and young adulthood, all that crying took a back burner. I hid all emotions, and myself. I was careful not to react too intensely to anything (don’t let them see the real you, don’t let them see who you really are and how you really feel … cue the Elsa “Let it Go” music, seriously).

Stay level. Stay neutral. Just keep it even and you won’t cause any problems. That was my frame of mind.

I realize now how fucked up that way of thinking is. How horrible it was for me. How restrictive and contained it all was. I think all that pent up emotion and character were the reason my life took the turn it did.

After that sudden turn, suddenly, all my emotions were out. Good, bad, neutral, weird, enlightened, dumb … there they were.

It felt free and amazing and terrifying and hard all at once. I had no idea how to deal with this openness. I lost friends, lovers, potential relationships, alienated coworkers and acquaintances because finally I was speaking my mind, expressing myself, and being open.

But not in the right way. I was just letting EVERYTHING cascade out of me. Without filter, without control. Mainly because I didn’t know how to reign it all in. Not at all.

Recently, I feel that lack of control again. Not because I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check, because I really do at this point. I’ve had a few years of complete openness and enough emotional up and down to teach me how to really survive through this onslaught of feelings.

No, this time is different. And I can’t explain it. But, please, when will it stop?

The past few months I’ve tried my very best to go about my daily business as per the norm. Work, motherhood, time for me, events, going out … and no matter what, my brain is on high-emotion alert.

I’ve, on more than one occasion, excused myself from a conversation so I can sob quietly in a bathroom stall for a few moments before I can gather myself. Ask anyone who’d been talking to me, and there was no indication that I was upset or on the verge of tears.

And the fucked up thing is, I’m not even aware that I am.

It just happens. This swell of incredibly deep, profound emotion. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before in my life. Ever. It’s both impressive and horrible all at once. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.

This evening, while getting ready for bed, I suddenly found myself incapacitated in the hallway, curled up on the floor, sobbing into my knees. I can’t quite explain how it happened. Music was playing, perhaps a lyric jogged a memory or a smell or a thought , but it was enough for my emotions to completely take over before my brain even knew what was happening.

I’ve experienced loss before. This isn’t abnormal for me. It’s not my first rodeo, not at all. I’ve lost plenty of people in my life either by personal choice, their choice, death or circumstance. But this. This I don’t know what to do with.

And I don’t know why.

When does it stop?

I want to not cry randomly at traffic lights. I want to actually laugh out loud and not feel tears welling in my eyeballs as I chuckle. I want to not suddenly have to heave a great shuddering sigh when I’m making a coffee at work. I want to not have to walk away from a conversation suddenly because I feel tears rising. I want to not have to stop in the middle of a run to bend over and opening sob.

I want to be OK. When will it stop? When will I be OK?

 

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~ by drivingmsmiranda on January 13, 2017.

8 Responses to “When does it stop… ?”

  1. For me, this was an early indication of my depression and anxiety. It wasn’t so bad for the years that I was on meds, but now that I have removed the meds from my life, I cry daily, although it doesn’t make me curl up in a ball.

    I cry over ads on TV. I cry over being proud of something a kid or a friend does. If I see a friend do something awesome on FB, I cry. No reason, it just happens.

    Sometimes the family pokes fun, but usually it is just “oh, there goes Dad, crying again…”

  2. This 😦

  3. He left you 🙂

    • Interesting that such a guessed observation would make you add a smiley face at the end… but OK. Regardless of which party ended it, doesn’t make it any easier — not from where I stand.

      – M.

      • Maybe you should move to UK and make him love you 😉

      • That’s the funny thing with us humans — can’t MAKE us feel anything we don’t want, now can we: be it love, compassion, empathy, kindness, understanding … but thanks for the suggestion, Holly.

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