Allowing Myself to be Happy
Finally, a rainbow…
When you’ve been unhappy for a certain amount of time, being happy feels rather foreign. And the interesting thing is that you don’t really realize you’ve been so unhappy until the idea and prospect of happiness is presented. It’s kind of like a slap in the face, a kick to the groin, a real wake up call.
That sudden moment where you think, “Shit. I’m happy.”
Then realize, “Shit, I’ve been really unhappy for quite a while.”
And when you embrace that happiness everything kind of melts away, but only for a second (at least for me), because then I question the happiness. Is it real? Is it going to last? What happens when the feeling goes away? But do I deserve to feel this way? Am I just drunk?
Honestly, all those thoughts flew through my brain recently. And fairly simultaneously, too. Being in my brain is hectic, I tell ya.
I’d forgotten so completely what it was to feel happy, relaxed, calm, and in the moment that when it finally happened I wasn’t even sure what to do with myself or even that I was reacting correctly. Was that a smile on my face or a grimace? Why did I feel twitchy? Why did I feel like I needed to get away, and yet at the same time I never wanted to leave. It was all very schizophrenic.
See, I think I’d gotten to this point where I’d accepted I just wasn’t going to be THAT happy. I wasn’t worthy of it. I wasn’t deserving of it. That over the years things I’d done and said had lead me to where I am now and that life simply had the rest of my functional and OK (but not happy) future planned out. And I was alright with that. Because I was learning to just be OK all over again, after all.
And then suddenly I realized I was happy. I smiled so much recently I made myself cry. Dumb? Perhaps, but I’d not smiled like that in months. Months. I didn’t understand the feeling, the emotion, the physical change in my mind and my mood. It scared me, and yet I wanted more.
At the same time, I’m waiting for it to end. It’s a horrible thing to be happy and yet have this thought in the back of your mind that it’s sure to end soon. I wish I didn’t think like that. I wish I had the confidence to embrace it totally, to own it, to know that it’ll be mine. And mine for as long as I make it and keep it mine.
Yet, I’m waiting for it to be taken away.
I try to kick myself when I have these thoughts (my hamstrings are a bit tight though), because I know I should be happy. I can be happy. I deserve to be happy…. Even typing it I don’t fully believe it. I’m in shock still. Shocked at the situation that’s lead me to be happy, and waiting for it to all come crashing down.
I also question all my actions now. Will what I just said change everything? What if I do this? What if I act this way? Will it mean all the happiness will stop? Will I mess it all up? Am I doomed to do the wrong thing again, and again, and again.
It’s kind of a horrendous way to be happy.
Yet, I’m relishing in the moments I do have that are bringing a smile to my face (when I can silence all the questions and doubt in my mind and just exist in that moment). A genuine, real, from my toes smile. And I think it’s noticeable that the smile is real, that the emotion is wholehearted and sincere. I am finally able to let go, to enjoy, to be me. And it’s making me happy.
I need to focus on those moments and not concern myself with the future. I need to allow myself to be happy.
drivingmsmiranda
Driving MsMiranda's Blog 
Reading this makes you really think and say no one really knows how each other feels. Many people can try and think that they have succeeded but it is really never possible. It is great when a person can have confidence and feel that they can be happy with themselves and move forward. Until recently I used to try to be someone else to make myself happy. I tried to create someone out of myself that made me think that I was fitting in and making people like me. I recently started a new career path (yes, at 40. I never figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up) and I said to myself with coaching from my dear wife. “Just be yourself, and people will like the real person you are!” I tried this and it is a great feeling, I can be myself. Not having to be, wear, act, or drive like someone that I am not. Along with this lifestyle I was trying to act, it caused me a lot of grief and debt. I am being myself and being happy too. Struggles are only hurdles that we face everyday, jump over and race to the finish line.
Greg,
Thank you so much for reading my blog, and for opening up about finding yourself. 🙂 Trust me, I understand what you’ve been going through! I don’t know if you’ve clicked around on here much, but I lost myself a long time ago too (being something for everyone else, but never the real me)… it’s not a pleasant place to be. And while some major, major changes had to occur (friends lost, etc.) for me to get to where I am now — as the real me, or a realer me at least — I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Again, thanks so much for the read and the comment.
Drive on,
– M.
x
I know this is an old post, and that some of us need a bit of a controlling element in our lives, but…. “My ex at the time used to complain when I wore my hair in a ponytail, stating I was taking the easy way out to make it look OK, that I should take more time to make myself look good, to make myself look decent.”…..is not a healthy element to a relationship.
We need to be supported, not broken down.
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