It’s OK to not be OK

Take time

Take time to not be OK

I think one of the worst questions anyone has ever asked me is: “Are you OK?”

It’s a horribly open-ended question that’s terribly loaded and can be difficult for the one being asked to answer. I know. I’ve been on the receiving end of that question more times than I care to remember. My usual response is a nod and, “Yup.” I could even go so far as to smile and laugh with a wave of the hand, “Sure! I’m fine!”

Well, I’m not.

And I’ve never accepted not being OK like I have now. And it makes me feel good to admit and to embrace the fact that I’m not OK. I’m struggling with a lot now. I’m doing my very best to keep myself positive and take each day as it comes, but I’m not in a cheery mood most of the time. I have a million things on my mind, and on any given day at any moment in time I could very well burst into tears for no apparent reason. That’s just how life is right now. And I’ve accepted it.

So, those around me have to, as well.

If I look teary-eyed, don’t ask me if I’m OK.

If I seem frustrated, angry or am generally anxious, don’t ask me if I’m OK.

If I’m unusually quiet and want to left alone, don’t ask me if I’m OK.

I’m not. I will be. But I’m not right now.

And I’m going to take the time I need to not be OK. I’m going to take as long as I need, actually. Everyone who tells me to buck up and move on or grin and push through; they can go to hell (no offense). I want to cry. I want to take on all the sadness and the despair, and I want to learn to get over it. I want to truly feel it all, all the bad, so when I feel the good it’s a real good. Not a covering-up-the-sadness good. I want it to be real. It has to be real.

A huge part of me being OK and feeling that real happiness in the near future is doing what I’m doing right now: Sitting on a balcony in Whistler, BC with a glass of wine, wind rustling through the forest just beyond my reach, cool mountain air whipping my hair and keeping my breaths deep and clean.

This will make me OK. This will keep me grounded. This will make the happiness real. This will make me better. This will get me out the other side.

That’s why I take these moments, for me. I often get odd looks when I explain how I simply booked two extra nights in BC after a business trip to spend, alone, in the province. Without plans, without commitments, without any schedule. Just to be.

Today I drove aimlessly, stopping often to stand outside, arms outstretched to the sun (or rain) just to breathe. Just to let nature wash over me. It’s a liberating feeling. Yet equally stifling.

Spending so much time alone, with yourself, is very revealing.

When you’re not OK, you realize lots of little bits of yourself that aren’t as pleasant as you’d first thought. Those darker regions in the mind you may have ignored or hidden more deeply come to the surface. It’s intense. It’s eye-opening, and it’s actually pretty amazing.

It’s true what they say: You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

I don’t think I every really loved myself. In my previous life (which is how I like to see it now), I hated more of me than I loved. I know that now. I know it because I’ve been changing, evolving, and improving those bits. I love a lot more of me now than I ever have before. I’m not at 100% but I’m a helluva lot better than I was.

So, am I OK? Nope. Not yet. I know I will be, soon hopefully, but I’m not there yet. Trips like the one I’m on right now help my soul, my heart, and my mind. Detaching, letting go, taking things moment by moment and just going with the flow of things is an amazing way to relax my mind and really get in touch with myself all over again.

Tomorrow it’s back to reality. I’m sad (but so excited to see Owen after 5 days away!), but I’m also happy to bring back a newer, more-OK-than-before me.

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~ by drivingmsmiranda on July 25, 2015.

2 Responses to “It’s OK to not be OK”

  1. […] my functional and OK (but not happy) future planned out. And I was alright with that. Because I was learning to just be OK all over again, after […]

  2. […] but really I’ve not even opened the manual yet) to working my way through a divorce and all the wonderfully shitty things that go along with that to growing my career then deciding to […]

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