To Escape or to Embrace?

Life's all about that journey, right?

Life’s all about that journey, right?

It’s a funny thing… No, perhaps funny is the wrong word here. It’s an interesting thing to hit emotional rock bottom. I’ve been crying for the better part of two days now, and I’ve been so wrapped up in my own mind and thoughts that reality is a bit fuzzy. Truthfully, I feel grateful knowing I can still cry. I’d been “dry” for so long I thought maybe my heart really had frozen over this time. Being emotionally tough became a great protector, a massive barrier that’s kept me safe, kept me sane. Well no longer.

It always amazes me how fickle and undulating life can truly be. One moment things really are fine, good even; then the next you realize bills are way overdue, your rear tire blows out on the highway, you come to the realization that being alone for a great deal longer really is a reality, and your colleague essentially unveils his complete lack of respect for you and your work as a professional in your career. Bam. Life takes a savage, stomach-turning plunge. And in light of all that, do you escape it or do you embrace it?

I have a hard time with this.

Fight or flight. Face it or run from it. Take it all in or push it away.

I’ve had to embrace a great deal over the past few years, most notably my own infidelity and the life I’ve now had to build for myself and Owen because of that life decision. I embraced it — as jagged and painful as it was to hold on a daily basis I held on fucking tight and didn’t let go. I took it all in. I accepted it. I opened up about it, and I took full ownership.

Maybe I’ve used up all my embracing for a while.

The want and need to escape is stronger now than it ever has been before. I don’t just mean get away for the weekend or take a few days off work and lock myself in my condo to watch NetFlix, I mean truly escape from it all. Escape from the life I live and how I live it. Escape to the opposite of what I would normally do, how I would normally be, just to feel like I’m NOT me because, after life takes one of those sever plummets down, being me isn’t really the best thing.

The feeling that being me as I am right now just isn’t working, so I need to escape her, is quite real. I need to try a different version of me. I need to make a change somehow to escape the me that’s caused all this emotional blackness. I hate how weak I’ve become and how weak I feel for being so broken by such mundane things (as mentioned above). Getting emotionally worked up over something that really shouldn’t affect me to that extent.

So, I’m a single mom with no hope or prospects at changing that. Why should that make me sad? But it does. Oh my God but it does. I hate that it cripples me sometimes. I feel so unequivocally alone sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve embraced it for over a year now. I’ve accepted my fate. I’ve tried to come to terms with it all. But when I realized I want to punch happy couples in the face, and that the knowledge that my ex is happily involved brought me to my knees in fits of gut-wrenching sobs, clearly something’s a bit off in the “embracing and accepting singledom department.”

And the ironic (I think that’s the right word here) thing is, I’m the reason for all these escape or embrace situations. I put myself here. I’ve held the wheel. I’ve taken the exits.

I have a quote on my living room wall from Marilyn Monroe:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

People change so that you can learn to let go.

I need to let go of the me that’s dragged me down into this pit of endless tears and blubbering stupidities. I’m being overly emotional and I’m feeling weak. I need to learn to let go. Let go of her and let go of the things that are causing the tear-filled outbreaks.

Things go wrong so you that you can appreciate them when they’re right.

I read this line often in the script on my wall. I repeat it like a mantra, like a slogan to keep me going. Not that everything has gone so wrong for me over the past little while, but truthfully there’s nothing that’s gone glowingly right, either. Things are just kind of bouncing along in neutral. I want to appreciate the right things, desperately. But at the moment I feel like that’s so far off in the future that I’d best not think about it too much.

Escape or embrace.

Escape or embrace.

Escape…

I desperately want to continue to embrace … but I need to find the strength in my arms, somehow.

Advertisements

~ by drivingmsmiranda on June 28, 2015.

One Response to “To Escape or to Embrace?”

  1. I give this a middle of the road mark because at this point, that’s where I see you. You can bear left or right….but it’s okay to pause and get your bearings, too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: