So, this is what I signed up for

When I agreed to become a parent?

I’m not complaining (not really), but I have to say I’m a bit intrigued/overwhelmed/shocked/happy/exhausted/scared/anxious/excited and so much more all at once. It’s tiring, I tell you.

Never in a million years did I think that I’d be a parent. Never. When I was younger (oh, way back when) I used to crinkle my nose at the idea of children. I wasn’t a “baby” kinda girl. I didn’t coo at stranger’s babies and I certainly wasn’t into babysitting or holding other people’s offspring. I wanted nothing to do with them. Ever.

And then my damn biological clock started ticking last year, and well, we all know what happened then.

So, here I am, 3 months into this parenthood thing and I’m feeling a little lost, a little anxious and a lot sleep deprived. I guess that kinda goes with the territory, but here’s the thing: I’m not sure I can keep it up.

I always said I wasn’t made for this, and after the past few months I realize that I was right! I’m not! At least, I know I’m not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I would go absolutely stir crazy (like I do on the days Owen and I stay in all day). I’m like a caged ferret, frantically running around the house, trying to stay busy, trying to stay occupied and trying to keep Owen entertained and myself from going completely mental.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. At least it amuses the cats.

My other new-mommy friends think I’m a complete lunatic for wanting to go back to work. Yes, I want to work again! And while I love my boy and I love being with him, I’m anxious for the next 4-5 months to pass so I can get back behind the wheel of various vehicles and start my life as a working mum.

When is this going to be about cars you ask, oh faithful reader? Well, this is going to be one those “what drives MsMiranda” entries, that’s bordering on diary entry, but just enough under the obnoxious level that you’ll tough it out and still come back to read more when this is over and done with.

I feel very unlike other mothers sometimes. Owen brings a smile to my face every single day, and his growth and development astonishes me, but I can just as easily be distracted by a passing car’s exhaust when I’m out with him. If that makes any sense at all …

I knew going into this whole parenting thing that it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew it was going to be a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of long days and a lot of dirty diapers and spit-up (I have to say I’m getting pretty damn tired of changing my shirt like 10 times a day). I also knew how much Owen was going to need me, but it’s still overwhelming and kinda scary.

I have so much to learn still and Owen and I continue to grow together each day. And yet, I know that being a mother isn’t the end-all and be-all of my life now. I can’t wait to get back to my career and show Owen what hard work and dedication can do for him in the future. Show him how you can be passionate about your work so you love getting up every morning to do your job. Show him that you can truly love what you do, because I do. And I miss it.

Oh faithful reader, I hope you can forgive me for this diary-esque entry. I just had to get a few things out there and air some laundry I guess. I had a rough few days (Owen is still not sleeping straight through the night and it’s beginning to take it’s toll on yours truly after three long sleep-deprived months).

Owen is the best little backseat driver I’ve ever had, and I can’t wait to see his sweet, smiling face in the rearview of my test vehicles week after week.

Drive on,
– M.

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~ by drivingmsmiranda on February 19, 2012.

7 Responses to “So, this is what I signed up for”

  1. With a five month old, I completely understand.

    RobbyB

    • Hey RobbyB,

      Thanks for stopping by!

      And thank-you for joining me in my myriad of emotions! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone, even if it is just in the blog-o-sphere. πŸ˜‰

      Hope to see you hanging out around here again soon! Remember, there’s power in numbers.

      Drive on,
      -M.

  2. I assure you, you are not alone in the way you’re feeling. We all have felt, or are feeling, that way as new parent. Those who haven’t are lying!
    Hang in there. The next three months go by in a blink!

    • Hi,

      Thanks so much for stopping by Lonemama. πŸ™‚

      And thank-you for making me feel normal instead of like a bad mum!!! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone … I see it getting better each day!

      Drive on,
      – M.

  3. Miranda, I was there, in your shoes, going to work was the vacation, I dreaded weekends. But then, they get older and communicate and say things like “I love you big like the sky” and you will realize that it is wonderful.

    I am not a big fan of pregnancy, breastfeeding and babies who lay there like lumps, eating and pooing all day, but it will get easier and you will look forward to weekends soon enough.

    Big virtual hug.

    • Hi Rosy,

      Thanks for stopping by my blog!

      And thank-you for the encouragement and words of wisdom from someone who’s been there. I see Owen changing every day and see how the rewards will only get bigger and better. πŸ™‚

      It’s also nice to know I’m not the only one to have these feelings/emotions right now (I don’t feel like such a bad mum anymore).

      Thanks again Rosy — much appreciated. πŸ™‚

      Drive on,
      – M.

  4. These days/weeks/months will pass! I’ve got eight month old twins and I’m in the same boat with you as far as wanting to get back to work. I work two days a week to supplement my maternity leave and I can’t tell you how nice it is to leave the girls with their daddy for eight hours and feel like something other than a mom.

    I’m sure you hear this all the time, but before you know it you’ll be back at work, looking forward to coming back home to your Owen.

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